 |
|
Here are some more I receved today,
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford
are flying
to a supermodels conference in Paris,
when the captain of the plane announces: "We have
just lost power to the engines
and are going to make
an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position
immediately!
The three models start
preparing for the worst. Claudia
pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy
ask: "What the hell are you
doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a
fact that the rescue
workers will search for and save first, the ones with
the best looking faces, which is why Iam
putting on my
make-up."
Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful
mounds of flesh which inexplicably
defy the law of
gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout:
"Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you
baring
your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority
in plane
crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with
big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my
tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia
and Cindy
yell: Naomi, are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch
for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds:
"Bitches, please! I know for a fact
the first thing the rescue workers look for is a black box!"
Farmer in Kansas
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple
and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while,
and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We are not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get
out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he! said,
"I am here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every
time.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rectum Stretcher
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge.
Sure
enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of
the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks
up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The
guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah.
I start with a finger, then work my way up
to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands,
and I slowly
stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you
give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge.."
Subject: GRANDPA
A
Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full
so they have to put
him in a Catholic home.
After a few weeks in the Catholic facility, they come to visit grandpa.
"How
do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," say
grandpa.
"We're
so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents here,"
grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the
violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90
years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!
And me, I haven't
had sex for 30 years and they call me the Fucking Jew."
|
 |
|
|
|
