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You mean we're
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three
kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed
to a Sunday dinner in honor
of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied
assortment of excuses.
"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one..."Sorry I'm
running late...had an emergency, you know how
it is, didn't have time to
get you both a present"
Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're
all
together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad.
Just flew
in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a
present...sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, glad you were
able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm
sorry but my boss is sending
me out of town and I was really busy
packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said,
"I really don't care, at least the five of us are
together today."
During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and
said, "Listen you three, there's something your
mother and I wanted to
tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country
penniless and desperate.
Despite this, we were able to raise each of you
and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but.....never
got
around to getting married."
The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?"
Yep," said the dad....."and cheap ones too...."
Nudist Colony
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his
clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him
and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says:
"You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I
give you
an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to
the side of a pool, lays
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge,
horribly corpulent, hairy man with a
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:
"You must be new here; it is a
rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked
receptionist: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a
month, but I fart 15 times a day!
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Leroy the Redneck
A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have
a 10ft man-eating
'gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the
nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the 'gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was
jabbing the 'gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
head
butts and choke holds, biting the 'gator on the tail and
flipping the 'gator through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
'gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the
'gator and let it float to the top like
a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring
at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No,
that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You
won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered
Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused,
the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who
pushed me in the pool."
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